杯子

Today you finally texted?
Its been a gd 3 months and suddenly its out or home?
If the context was cooler and more snailish, things may have worked out.

Now i put a hold on things and i can sense you have taken 2 steps back.
What do I expect frm an ego like yours?

Its not the end. You and I both know that.
I refuse to end this dream now that it is within reach.

Why so crude though? Has society not taught you?
Or did u smell my desperation that night?

Its ok. Its ok.
We'll see how things play out.
At least, i know for sure your thoughts.

10 yrs later

Just came back frm an awesome trip..
Roadtrippin syd to mel.
Arrived to a wonderful experience.
Call it fate, pure coincidence.
Thank u samurai burger.

thank u diamond

It's week 2 of the new job responsibility.
Been feeling somewhat of a hindrance with nothing to contribute..
Lagging behind.
The little gestures help for sure, familiar smiles, friendly pokes and kind directions here and there.
But overall, still outta place.

That is until today.
This change comes with different people.
You who belong on top make the extra effort to come down to earth infront of the watching eyes.

Suddenly im soaring, yet afraid to soar too high in case of talk.
So important i seem, i do not belong, i own.
Now people initiate talk, asking me for my name, my role, my advice.

Its an awsome feeling
Thank you.

complacency

Days like these.
How do i defend myself is the question in mind.
But then again, why should i?
Where is this insane urge to get everyone's smile and approval coming from?

I need to stop this madness of wanting to be in everyone's goods books.
If you aren't happy, fuck you.
But the recent years have been making me a coward.
There is a huge ass discomfort in my chest once there is a slight smudge of unhappiness towards me.

Where is this cowardice coming from???

Let's take a deep breath and step out for a while.

The way things were and now..
Too much of a difference
It's disgusting to see.

I would like a break, yes, the break was long and recent. I know. But it's just not enough.
It's never enough
Being here and crowded is just too much.

Will anything ever settle down?

Something late night

It's midnight and i cant sleep.
Gotta wake at 6 tmr and it sucks
Truly.
Cant help thinking about tonight. Its been a long time coming.
I rmb e last strong hug i had and tt was in Zagreb.
Today, it felt nice.
I miss travelling. With or wo chef, i miss it.

Le sigh

Embarassed to say..
I failed badly today.
Overwhelmed by a mere 8 patients.
How did i turn out so gross?

Back to reality

todays sunday.
The first sunday since starting work. Dear god im tired.
Not sure if its cause im not in my usual clinic
Or if its cause i have the horrid news tt i wouldnt be under neuro anymore~
I spent yesterday doing nothing at all.
Dragged both feet to work last week and hoping things fell better next.
On the other hand, coming back home to USC has been awesome.
The hugs, the lighted up faces.. Makes me feel missed and so loved.

Even tiny prof J gave me a hug (now tt was unexpected)
Most look at me not realising who i am, but when it registers, BAM! the face smiles.
Kinda makes me feel everything i did/suffered for was worth it.

Its nice.
Ssc.. Is diff. Really loud veryyy much like 44 before.
We never cared which patient was listening or nearby. We laughed, joked, cursed so freely.
Didnt know i got so uptight til i came back to such an environment.
Im still getting used to it. Trying my best not to SHUUSH the girls at ssc whenever it gets a lil rowdy.
The people there speak their minds, and very often thrash things out for the world to hear. Im amazed.

There was tired colleagues whom i feel sorry for.
It is my fault they are over stretched and yet they smile and welcome me back warmly with no complaints. Ok maybe some complains..
Havent see YTT since hes out. But having e flintstone acknowledge me and come look for me is something... I feel proud of (proud may not be e best description but i dunno how else to put it)
The fact he picked up his ass to come over was kinda jawdropping, not just for me, but for e whole clinic.
Burm is still as sweet as ever. What can i say?
Im not sure if theres a hidden agenda on our friendship but i shall continue to doubt that.

All in all, it feels good to be back.
Hopefully waking up becomes easier and life wud be back on track.
Im glad i stuck to this npl.
Probably would have regretted if i resigned. Where else do i find such wonderful people to work alongside?
For e pain and the tears ahead of me. Im not ready, but i shall prepare.